"I'm Single" Lyrics

Oh, ho, I'm single and my life's about me again
That woman long neglected, I'll find out who I am
Oh, ho I'm single. I'm single and I'm loving it
I have taken up old hobbies, I have no time for a man

I'll call up my old friends, the ones that I once knew
So we can bond again, just like we used to do
You're married with two kids, oh gee
Well, that's too bad for you

Because I'm single, I am woman I am goddess
I've always loved fried green tomatoes
So, it was always meant to be
I feel my rebirth, I'll find a female soul mate

We'll take off for the country, just like Thelma and Louise
I've called up every household in phone books A through Z
To find another goddess to share my destiny
And now I'm quite convinced, the only single one is me

When I buy poultry, two thirds of it goes rotten
I correspond with inmates and I don't comb my hair
They've claimed my two legs as federally owned forest
It's been months since I've shaved them

Cause there's been no one here to care
They call me nasty names at every corner bar
I need to see a shrink, this thing has gone too far
Last night I threw myself down stairs just for the C.P.R.

Oh, ho, I'm single and I'm not hearing voices
You say that cause you're jealous of all the fun I've had
Wait, I'm not single. I've got some special friends now
We live in here together and I don't feel so bad

I have a female soul mate, her name is Emily
Don't tell me you don't see her, she's standing next to me
And she doesn't call me sick or weird or deranged mentally
Just cause I'm single