"Smoking Grandma" Lyrics

I've got two grandmas, they're as different
as night and day
One goes to church, bakes cakes and pies,
loves to crochet
The other one wears polyester slacks
with platform pumps and
Teal blue hair swept up in a tight, tight beehive...
And she smokes.

Smoking Grandma
Puffin' on Lucky Strikes all day
Smoking Grandma
Loves me as much as her favorite ashtray!
Smoking Grandma
Ain't bad looking for her age
Though it's hard to see her features through the haze.

She smoked before she even began to menstruate
Outlived four husbands: Dickie, Joe, Curly and Nate
She'll fix me dinner and so as not to seem rude
I'll discreetly pick the butts out of my food.

Smoking grandma
Don't let her get near gas stations or hay
Smoking grandma
Or she'll become my granny flambé!
Smoking grandma
What should you get her every year for her birthday?
Well, here's a hint: she's come a long way, babay

My grandma wants to be cremated, and this part
makes me sweat
She wants her ashes rolled up into 20 cigarettes
And placed in a pack of them Lucky Strikes that she
so loves to drag
Boy, my grandma makes John Wayne
look like a fag.

Smoking grandma
As far as grandmas go, hot dang! She is the bestest!
Smoking grandma
Her dentures are made of pure asbestos!
Smoking grandma
An inspiration to us all;
Thank Christ she never cared for alcohol.