"Billericay Dickie" Lyrics

Good evening I'm from essex
In case you couldn't tell
My given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay
And I'm doing very well

Had a love affair with Nina
In the back of my Cortina
A seasoned up hyena could not have been more obscener
She took me to the cleaners
And other misdemeanours
But I got right up between her
Rum and her Ribena

Well, you ask Joyce and Vicki
If candy-floss is sticky
I'm not a blinking thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

I bought a lot of brandy
When I was courting Sandy
Took eight to make her randy
And all I had was shandy
Another thing with Sandy
What often came in handy
Was passing her a 'Mandy'
She didn't half go bandy

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
If I ever took the mickey
I'm not a flipping thicky
I'm billeicay dickie
And I'm doing very well

I'd rondez-vouez with Janet
Quite near the Isle of Thanet
She looked more like a gannet
She wasn't half a prannet
Her mother tried to ban it
Her father helped me plan it
And when I captured Janet she bruised her pomegranet

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
If I ever shaped up tricky
I'm not a blooming thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

You should never hold a candle if you don't know where it's been
The jackpot is in the handle on a normal fruit machine

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
Who's their brickie
I'm not a common thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

I know a lovely old toe-rag obliging and noblesse
Kindly, charming shag from Shoeburyness